I understand that expectations need to be adjusted during the first years of your child’s life, especially if you’re the mother, and you’re breastfeeding.  But it’s disappointing to me nonetheless that despite my best efforts, I still seem to be struggling to squeeze enough hours out of each day to do everything I need to.  I won’t bore you with the full list, but in addition to the baby, I have a marriage, 3 pets, a house and all the things houses come with that are constantly breaking, a yard, bills to pay, and high standards for my health and fitness.  I attempt to have some spiritual contemplation, and some friends and leisure time too.   And that’s just my personal life!  If you can really separate my work life from my personal life, which is hard to do when your studio is attached to your home, my work life includes thinking up and creating paintings, writing about my art, maintaining my website, sending or delivering my art to galleries and occasional juried shows, networking online and in person, meeting with collectors and potential collectors, packing/shipping/cataloging/photographing artwork, marketing constantly to ensure enough sales so that I have some income, and so on.  You get it.  At times, I feel completely overwhelmed and don’t know what to do!

I realize I am being a big fat whiner right now, but bear with me for the moment.  Tomorrow I’ll suck it up and get back to business as usual.

So I sent a note to the very famous Robert Genn of the Painter’s Keys, seeing what he had to say about the whole thing.  To my delight, he actually responded by writing one of his twice-weekly-letters in response!

Unfortunately, he didn’t quite answer my questions and didn’t seem to understand what I’m going through, like, AT ALL.  He clearly doesn’t understand the commitment a woman makes when she decides to be there all the time, every day–24/7/365!  Or the exhaustion of having your sleep frequently interrupted every night for nearly a year, and what that does to a person.  Or that yes, babies sometimes take a nap, but the rest of the time they need constant supervision, and by constant I mean you literally can’t look away for 2 minutes without worrying what they’re putting in their mouth, smearing all over the floor, or trying to climb onto.

Robert Genn is a man, he’s in his 70s I think, and this is just a wild guess but I don’t think he’s ever been anywhere close to being in my current shoes.  To be fair, he did warn me before posting his response that he didn’t consider himself qualified to respond.  He’s a nice guy and having read his letters for years, I like him a lot.  However, the encouragement and advice I was seeking came not from him** but from the many people who added their comments underneath the letter he posted, and from the dozens of private emails I got in my inbox this morning from kind people all around the world, mostly but not all professional artists/mothers themselves.  I was blown away!

You can read Robert Genn’s letter and the comments on it (and comment yourself if you like) here: http://clicks.robertgenn.com/motherhood.php

I was in a deep funk when I wrote to Robert.  Today I’m feeling much better, knowing that I’m not as alone as I was feeling before, and I’m beginning to get a fresh outlook.

I’m definitely going to work on creating a playroom in my studio in the hopes of keeping my baby distracted for longer periods of time.  I’m definitely going to start hiring babysitters to squeeze in a few more hours of work every week.  Perhaps my husband (he’s fantastic, by the way) and I can be more strict or more inventive with the way we collectively manage our time.  Soon enough my baby will sleep for 4+ hours at a time again, as he did for awhile–it was glorious–when he was 4-6 months old, and when that time comes I will feel more sane.  And maybe if I only make 30 paintings this year, since I’ve sold some of them already, if I make sure to stay on good terms with my galleries through good communication, it’ll be okay.

Sincere thanks to the many sweet people who have written to me!  I haven’t read through all the messages yet but I intend to ponder all your generously given advice and to use your encouraging words to help lift my spirits.

—————–

Oh, and here’s a quick web-cam shot of what’s going on today in my studio!  I’ve just started a 30″ x 30″ sunflower.  I wish sunflowers were that large in real life.

**Edited to add: Robert’s advice about the super-manic-power-hour was excellent, I’ll give him that!  Indeed it’s been the only thing that’s worked for me so far!

I have yet to finish the base layer of the foliage, fill in the colors of the tree trunks, then go over everything again, adding more and more detail to the branches, the foliage, the trunks, and the sky, (in no particular order), with progressively smaller brushes, until it feels finished.

Sorry for the poor lighting and glare!  When it’s finished I’ll photograph it properly.

It was a week of adventure and decadence.  I enjoyed lots of sunshine, hiking, and good food!  I lounged poolside.  We ate at a fantastic Ethiopian restaurant, a fantastic Greek restaurant, a fantastic vegan restaurant, and at my friend’s house we enjoyed ripe avocados, fresh-squeezed citrus juice, and dark chocolate!

I of course brought my 7-month-old with me, and carried him on my back for much of the time.

My friends and I had a wonderful visit to Sedona and hiked one of the Boynton Canyon trails to a “vortex,” or a spot where spiritual energy is believed to converge in a spiral, where this beautiful rock formation sits.

I climbed partway up the actual rock formation too!  In the picture below, the tiny figure waving at the bottom is me and the one at the top is my much more badass rock-climbing friend.

Enjoying the view:

Near this spot were dozens of little cairns (stacks of balanced rocks) left by people all over the place.  It is customary to build your own cairn, say any prayer you like, and leave it there.  I thought it was cool, and beautiful to see the physical representations of the prayers of many people who had passed through.

The mountains in Sedona are incredible!

I also really enjoyed browsing the Southwest-themed artwork in the Sedona galleries.

I’m glad to be back to work in the studio.  I’m currently working on a new Lotus triptych.  The Lotus series is popular as ever and I’m struggling to keep up–the good news is I’m still not tired of painting them!  Here you can see I’m just laying down the base colors in the first layer of oil paint.  Much more detail will be added as I add more layers.

A collector sent me this photo of one of my Lotus triptychs hanging in their home.  It looks beautiful with the colors of their bedroom!

I just received word that 3 of my Sunflower Heart paintings have sold from my NC gallery, and I have more of those in progress.  A fresh 40″ x 30″ canvas is sitting on my easel as well, with the design already sketched in for another tree painting.  So there’s a lot of action right now in my studio!  More news to come…

I’m currently working on 3 new Lotus paintings all at once, laid out around me on the floor of the studio.  I’m almost done filling in very rough, big blocks of color on all of them.  I’m about to start adding detail and definition.  You can expect pictures of my new Lotus flower art within the next few days as I finish them up!

Here are a few teensy sneak peeks at the works in progress:

This weekend I plan to go with friends to check out Artscape, Baltimore, MD’s annual summer arts festival.

I have never participated as an artist there, mostly because I never seem to have enough artwork in stock to fill a whole booth.  It’s the kind of thing I’d have to plan many months ahead of time.  This year I never even considered entering Artscape because I’ve been so busy making enough art to keep my three galleries supplied, and to replace paintings I’ve sold.  This, I suppose, is a good thing.  But I think I might like to participate in an arts festival at some point in the future.  For now, I’m happy to go downtown and experience the festival as a member of the throngs of spectators.

I did a lot of quick thumbnail sketches for my next Lotus paintings, just to work out the basics of composition.  I may not use all of them, and I may do a lot more.  For now I’ve started working on the ones I feel are strongest.

I have the plans for my next 5 paintings sketched in pencil onto canvases, and have started painting them!

I’m working on a drop cloth on the floor today, so I can spread several paintings out around me and work on them all at once.  I’m listening to music and am in my “painting zone.”

I was just thinking how much I genuinely love painting the Lotus series–I’ve heard that artwork created in a spirit of love and joy will be infused with that energy, and make other people love it.  Like I’m somehow filling the actual canvas and paint with a living energy that makes people feel good when they’re around it–a kind of artistic chi.  I don’t know if this is true, and it doesn’t make much sense from a logical/physical standpoint.  But it’s a nice thought, and people do seem to always love the finished Lotus paintings.

It also makes me think about the idea that whatever you put out into the world will come back to you in other forms.  I know this is true in social situations–in general, if I’m kind to people they reciprocate.  The same is true if I am nasty or spiteful.  This is why I make an effort to be as positive as I can in as many ways as I can–a challenge to be sure, but worth it.

Making art and sending it out into the world is like sending out a gift of beauty and happiness.  Does that result in beauty and happiness coming back to me in the form of gifts from others?  I think it does.  (At the very least, musing about such things while painting makes the work enjoyable for me and keeps me excited about doing it.)

I went out into my garden yesterday and came back with these treasures!  Baby lettuce, basil, purple & green string beans, sugary snow peas, and even a couple of red grape tomatoes!  The abundance of fresh produce in the summer makes it one of my favorite times of year.

Lots of things are blooming!

The bees are going crazy for the borage flowers.

And, as usual I’ve planted my vegetable garden in amongst the decorative plants, so everything is starting to take on a slightly jungle-like quality, everything growing there on purpose, but still a little bit chaotic.  Hey, that’s how I like it. 

Here’s the progress on this painting so far.  Right now I’m just getting the color onto the canvas (which takes a long time with a big canvas) and figuring out the basics of the design.  Once the canvas is filled with the first layer of paint, I’ll come back in with smaller brushes and add more details throughout.

Right now, I’m laying the paint on thick and sloppy.  I’m going to clean it up a lot and add some intricacies later, but I want some of that loose feeling to come through in the final painting.  Starting sloppy and fast and then finishing up with more care and attention to detail is one way I attempt to balance freedom with precision.

Here’s a close-up detail of the work in progress:

I like how some of my tree paintings evoke a certain mood.  For me, it’s the smell of the woods and the feeling of clean air in my lungs that always comes to me–not always while I’m painting, because then I’m mostly focused on mixing colors and thinking about the composition–but every time I stand back to look at it, I have a feeling of being there in the painting.

I probably won’t finish this painting until next week.  My sister is visiting from out of town, and one of my brothers is going to be joining us this weekend.  This Friday I’m going contra dancing with friends for the first time in months!

My setup is not fancy, but it works.

I’m using Winsor & Newton Artisan water-miscible oils.  I love them.

Here’s a quick sneak peek at my work in progress–one of my “Looking Up” tree paintings.  The bare bones of the design has been laid out and I’m starting to work some color in.  I’m taking a very loose approach to this painting–now that I’ve got a rudimentary plan, I’m going to just follow it where it takes me.

It’s a good painting to work on out in the yard, surrounded by living green things and the contrast of sun and shade.

My sweet canine companions are keeping me company.

(Not too much longer now till Blake gets to take off the lampshade!  He is happy and doing well.)

Lots of things are popping up in the garden.

My strawberries have bloomed.

Happy May!

I think these are going to be the best sunflowers so far in my series–I love how they are turning out!  This time I am purposely making the background colors similar in all the paintings so that they will display very nicely together.

Some are all done except for small finishing touches.

This one is a work in progress–only the background has been painted so far.

The cherry tree in our back yard is blooming! I love watching it every spring.

When all the flowers are fully bloomed, like big puffy pom-poms, the petals will start snowing down on the ground and make a thick pink carpet all over the yard.

For those of you who are interested, I’ve finally finished sorting through our photos from our recent vacation.   Click here to see them.  (Warning: lots of scrolling!)

You can’t tell by the above photo because the faint pencil lines are so hard to photograph, but I’ve drawn a design onto each panel, to use as a guide once I begin applying color.  I’ve fiddled with the contrast to make the pencil lines more visible in these photos:

Scribbled here and there all over the designs are shorthand notes to myself, illegible to all but me.  They say things like, “brite-dark-brite,” “gray-blu,” “white red dots, red yellow dots,” “BG deep green,” “lite shadow,” “indian red into brown” and “purple/gold.”  Although what’s here now doesn’t look like much, the hardest work on this project has already been done, all the details carefully considered and a plan made.  These are my blueprints.

The painting stage, although time-consuming, will be simpler and more meditative than the planning stage.  I’ll sit down with my colors and let the hours slip away as I methodically follow my directions to myself.  For me, the painting part is more about intuition and flow, and less about thinking and planning.  My color palette is decided and my tubes of paint are laid out and ready for me.

I’ve had to spend a lot of time doing my taxes in the past week–now that every form has been properly filled out and filed in time, I can breathe a sigh of relief!  Speaking of aggravating paperwork, I also had to fill out a really long questionaire for the Census Bureau–anyone else have to do that this year?

I’ll post pictures of the new paintings when I’ve made progress on them!  Just so you know, I have not abandoned my Looking Up tree series, or my Cosmic Dance series in favor of painting only flowers–they are just on hold for the moment as I fill orders for more flowers.  In the meantime, I’m really enjoying my continued exploration into the many varieties of sunflowers.

Here’s a poem I wrote in college:

Growing Things

The night Shirah was born,
a cracked leafy web of ice crystals
crept up the window. In the yard,
each branch of each bare tree
was coated all around
by a slick glassy tube of ice.
The morning brought a pink sunrise
over fragrant roses on the windowsill.

The day Jordan was born,
making me big sister once more,
I danced,
his small soft perfection
clasped to my chest,
and sang to him
“Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”
for hours while Mama slept.

Mama’s wedding ring was a turquoise opal
flanked by tiny diamonds.
She dug her happy brisk hands
into earth’s black richness,
squatting in her garden
every day for years.
One by one the diamonds
were lost in the dirt
but the garden became a fruit-bearing jungle
full of mangos and blue jays.

The poem is about my mom, or really all mothers, and how they give so much of themselves to help their children grow. And in a more general sense, it’s about how life can be hard, cold, and filled with loss, but those joyful moments when you celebrate the fruit of your labor make everything okay.

So, I’ve been thinking about how I really should get started planting some seeds indoors for this year’s garden–I’ve been dreaming of “growing things.” The deadest part of winter is the time to prepare for the new life of spring.

These irises come up in my garden every spring, and are very similar to the wild irises I’ve come across when hiking in the mountains.

This flower is so gorgeous and regal–it looks like it’s celebrating! In reading about the iris flower, I discovered that it can symbolize many things, including faith, hope, wisdom, royalty, passion, courage and admiration.

I found this blurb on the history of irises at proflowers.com:

The iris’s history is rich, dating back to Ancient Greek times when the Greek Goddess Iris, the messenger of the gods and the personification of the rainbow, acted as the link between heaven and earth. Purple irises were planted over the graves of women to summon the Goddess to guide the dead in their journey. Ancient Egyptian kings marveled in the iris’s exotic nature, and drawings have been found of the flower in a number of Egyptian palaces. During the Middle Ages, the meaning of irises became linked to the French monarchy, and the Fleur-de-lis eventually became the recognized national symbol of France. From their earliest years, irises were used to make perfume and as a medicinal remedy. Today, they are primarily seen in gardens, in bouquets, and in the wild all over the world.

I was inspired to paint irises. Here’s what I’ve got so far. Right now just the very first layer is done–the base color. The end result will include a lot more color and detail. I’d say at this point it is about 1/4 of the way done.

I’ve been having a recurring dream of sitting in my garden on a blanket in the grass. The sun is shining, birds are making a racket, and the temperature is about 90 degrees Fahrenheit. I’m wearing shorts, have a good novel in my hand, and I’m munching on a fresh batch of guacamole and chips, with a tall glass of iced tea at my side. The suntan lotion is lying next to my sandals, which were carelessly kicked off. Every muscle in my body relaxes under the heavy heat of the sun. Bees are buzzing and I can smell the sharp scent of basil and mint, and tomatoes ripening on the vines in my garden.

Somehow I’ll have to stick it out until the weather warms up–experimenting with recipes for delicious soups and wearing big fluffy socks should help.